I fucked up...

I'm made to feel more and more worthless everyday.

Currently, I'm feeling real bad for fucking up badly at the project on Monday. The bad thing is, I can't recall a lot of it. However, I did get an e-mail from Richard giving me feedback on what happened. How much of it can I recall? Let's see.

Hi Andrew

Hope you're well.

I need to feedback some thoughts on yesterday. If you're going to work with us you will need to be more proactive. Yesterday feels like a total waste of time and worse has left me with additional jobs to do. I know Jason was involved but he's the young person here. And so:
1. I can tell you exactly what you had for lunch and where you ate it! You have made no attempt to tidy it away! Perhaps taking it to the bin in the tool shed would have been good but if not could you not have found a bag to put it in?
2. I specifically asked you to undertake 2 jobs in a certain way. The steps and the clippings. Neither was completed and I am in fact left with wheelbarrows in the way. But now I will also have to sort out the pallets and build the steps myself. Very frustrating. By the way the spades were left out along with the pick.
3. You should by now have an idea of some of the jobs that are outstanding. One of the big ones is to move the hedging. If you had moved one plant that would have shown me that you're getting it. Looking around and seeing what needs done is key.
4. In terms of looking around, I did a sort out of the shed and I come back to it being a mess! Now I have to sort again.

This is not meant as a put down more as a this is what an employer might be looking for.

See you soon.

Kind regards

It's at times like this when it feels like maybe Sean is right. Maybe I am a worthless, useless piece of shit.

I do recall leaving some rubbish there, but I think it was only two items. Sadly, I'm not too sure on that. I think what I left was an empty packet of Smoky Bacon potato chips, and an empty packet of Chicken Meat. However, I'm not 100% sure on that. There could be a lot more.

I know I fucked up bad with the pallet steps, and I wish I could fix that, however it sounds like I'm not going to get the chance to do that as Richard seems to be saying that he's fixed it. I did get some of the wood chippings moved from the entrance to the enclosure where the chickens and ducks are kept, but I'll admit it wasn't a whole lot. I probably should've worked out in the rain a lot more instead of taking shelter.

The shed being a mess...that's something I really can't recall at all. I have no idea what he's talking about with that part of the e-mail.

I would e-mail him back apologising and letting him know that I was feeling dizzy quite a bit on Monday, but the problem with that is that any way I word it, it just sounds like I'm making excuses. Even saying it in this blog entry is making it feel like I'm making excuses.

Sadly though, I've not been getting a lot of sleep lately. I didn't get much sleep at all Sunday night, which I think is probably the reason why I kept having moments where I was feeling dizzy. Forced me to have to stop working a bunch of times because I didn't want to collapse and end up having another seizure.

Sean's constant rants about me are really eating away at me, making it hard to sleep. I just constantly want to scream; constantly want to tell him to fuck off; constantly just want to fucking punch him HARD!

All I can really do about the project is work harder the next time I return to it, regardless of how I'm feeling. I don't like being made to feel like I'm a worthless piece of shit.

What can I say to Richard? I can only really say that I'm truly sorry for everything. Sorry I messed up bad. Hopefully, you can forgive me. If not, well...I'll understand.