"What if it all goes wrong?"

Once again, things are not going at all like I would like them to.

My father tried to contact the epilepsy specialist only to get told some garbage about how she wouldn't be seeing anyone for a couple of weeks. That delays my ability to sway the ESA/DLA stuff. So, what's that going to do to me? I have no idea. It's not sounding good at all.

I'm now close to having no money, so that's a real worry because I don't know what is happening with all the ESA/DLA stuff. I saw the doctor on the 15th of April 2013 because of the ESA stuff and was told that the "Not fit for work" thing should override everything. It seems that the ESA people and all are going by this "medical exam" I had late last year. The problem with that exam was that it was just a bunch of questions if I remember correctly. I wouldn't have been able to answer questions like "How many seizures have you had in the past year?" honestly because I have no idea. I think that was one of the questions, and I probably answered with "three or four" or something when it's a lot more than that. There are quite a few seizures that I know nothing about at all. This is why that medical exam needs to be redone, and I need someone who knows me there with me so the questions can get answered a little better.

I think I may have had another seizure last night, sadly. I woke up to find a few things knocked over, which is usually a sign that I've had one. Not good at all. I made a note of it as a seizure. That's one thing I've been trying to do lately - note down all possible seizures. Currently, my notes look like this.

Epilepsy

The 18th of January 2012 - Epileptic seizure.
The 6th of December 2012 - Epileptic seizure.
The 29th of December 2012 - Epileptic seizure.
The 29th of January 2013 - Epileptic seizure.
The 18th of March 2013 - Blanked out.
The 3rd of April 2013- Blanked out.
The 20th of April 2013 - Epileptic seizure.

I don't think that's a full list of them. In three ambulance reports, I found the ones for the 18th of January 2012, the 6th of December 2012, and the 29th of December 2012. I remember the 29th of January 2013 because of the HUGE cut I had down my left arm after that seizure. I'm sure there are others in the huge gap between the 18th of January 2012 - the 6th of December 2012. However, I'm extremely unsure of when those would have happened. It's honestly a pain because if I could validly state how often these seizures are happening, I may get somewhere faster.

When I saw my father on the 15th of April, he told me about how he doesn't like me living where I'm currently residing due to poor cellphone reception. I have to admit, this small apartment isn't that great at all. I would like somewhere else to live in Lostwithiel, but I don't see that happening any time soon. He was then telling me how he'd like me to live anywhere but here. When I told him why I like it here, he was then talking about the youth project and asked, "What if it doesn't work out? What would be keeping you in Lostwithiel?"

I have no idea what would keep me in Lostwithiel if the project were to fail. I was told by my father to think seriously about what I wanted. I don't know. I want a job in computing, but I don't know where I will find something like that. If I could, I'd love to get paid for my webcomic, Endless Tales.

Endless Tales hasn't started yet and has been in the planning stages in my mind for quite a while, but it would be AWESOME if I could make money from that somehow. :D

But I will have to think hard about what I want to do with myself. I need some plan to move forward if this whole project thing doesn't work out. Yeah...with how things have been going for me lately, the thought of the project going all wrong has been on my mind quite a bit, sadly.

UK benefits system is a mess!

I've been discovering lately just how screwed up the UK benefits currently is. I've heard that they've been trying to improve the system, but I'm finding that it's in even more of a mess than it used to be.

I'm sure I've already stated in a previous entry that when my father visited me on the 18th of March, 2013, he called the ESA people to make a new claim for me. My last claim stopped back in August 2012. I'm not sure of the exact date, but I think it was on the 14th of August 2012. I'm pretty sure I made an entry about it sometime in 2012. Anyway, if you calculate the months, you'll soon discover just how out of touch with reality they are.

Here. Let's all do it together.

August 2012 - September 2012 - November 2012 - December 2012 - January 2013 - February 2013 - March 2013.

That's seven months! Where the hell do they get off with saying it hasn't been over six months?

Anyway, while talking to the ESA people yesterday, my father discovered that they're saying my last claim stopped in January 2013. By that logic, it hasn't been six months yet. But where did they get that from? While I was at the Job Centre on the 4th of April 2013, I spoke to a guy about it and mentioned that it's been over six months since the last claim was stopped in August. He agreed with me and said that clearly, someone cannot do their math. He then promised that someone would call me back between the time I got off the phone with him and 16:00. That call never happened. So, I took it upon myself to call them back on Friday. I didn't get anywhere with that, though. The first time I called, I was calling from my cellphone and proceeded to run out of credit on my phone while on hold. The second call was made from the hotel, but I had to hang up after waiting for about 15 minutes there since it was not my phone. The third call was made from the computer store next door, but I had to hang up after waiting for about 30 minutes because, once again, it wasn't my phone. That was three wasted calls!

My father was told by the ESA people that I should try claiming JSA instead. I was going to leave that for today. However, after talking to Richard yesterday, it was suggested that I do it yesterday. As I was about to catch a train to do that, my father told me to wait because Jane would contact the JSA people. She thought it would be a waste of my time and money if I did apply for JSA. One call back later, and it was discovered that she was correct in that assumption. I would be refused a JSA claim because the doctor has signed me off as unfit for work. They told Jane that I should apply for ESA. That's left me in an endless loop because I can't claim ESA since they claim it hasn't been six months, and I can't claim JSA because I'm unfit to work. Now, what do I do?

On the 15th of April 2013, my father is visiting me, and we will fight this whole thing. GREAT! We will first see my doctor and sort out my whole "unfit for work" thing. We're then going to proceed to the Job Centre in St Austell and fight for ESA (or JSA if it comes to that), and we're NOT going to leave until we get a result. There's no way I will last long if we don't get some kind of result.

I do have a claim for DLA still in the works; however, the most recent letter that I got from them was on the 21st of March 2013, and it states the following:

Thank you for your communication of 21/03/2013 asking us to look at your claim again.

What happens next

We are looking again at all the information that we have. It can take 11 weeks for a decision to be given.

A wait of 11 weeks isn't going to do me a lot of good in terms of money, as I have maybe a month's worth of cash left, and then I am flat-out broke. Even if the decision was to come sooner than 11 weeks, I don't think there is any guarantee that it'll be a "Yes". Hell, with the way things have been going for me lately, I wouldn't be surprised if it came back as a "No".

Now, I know that epilepsy doesn't make me fully incapable of working. Still, with my condition being the way it is currently, there aren't going to be many jobs I can do. Firstly, because of the blankouts I've been having quite often, I can't say I'm fit to work a normal job, such as checkout staff in a store. If I were to have blank-out moments in that kind of work, I honestly don't think it would take long at all for me to get my ass fired.

As my father told me on the phone yesterday, I can work. Still, it would have to be a job where I'm totally out of public view—doing something like building websites for people or computer repair, or something like that. Somewhere where it wouldn't affect business too much if I were to blank out. Sadly, finding a job like that is going to be pretty hard. It's easier to find a job in a store, but no one will want to employ someone who may end up standing there, motionless, staring blankly at people for 5-20 minutes. Just imagine how long a queue could get if I were to blank out.

I hope that I can get everything fixed on the 15th of March 2013.