Memories

This is something I've thought about a few times after I'd spoken to an old school friend, Amy Williams, over the past couple of days. I was discussing past events, and saying that I would love to be able to go back in time and change certain events in my life, such as the crash I was in when I had to go to this DMT place when I was on Job Seekers Allowance. I swear that crash is completely responsible for my epilepsy. Before that, I'd never had a seizure or anything. I was completely fine. No medical problems at all. JSA is something I'm never doing again because there is no way in hell I am going to get sent back there again.

Anyway, she told me...

just think its unhealthy to dwell on the past, live for today and look forward to the future.

I replied that...

Yeah. It probably isn't good to think about the past...but I tend to if I have nothing else to occupy my mind. I won't say it's something I regularly think about because it isn't, but there are days when I'm totally bored, I'm not in the mood for video games or movies and such, no friends are online to talk to and all. Those days, nothing is occupying my mind. I have nothing to really think about, and the past creeps it's way into my mind. It's not always "What would happen if..." kinda thing. That's rare. Alot of the time, it's more just thinking about old pets, old friends, old...relationships. Times spent with Dad and such. Just memories of good times. :D

I can't entirely control those thoughts when I have nothing else to think about. Haha.

Anyway, I know you say it's unhealthy to dwell on the past, but have you never thought about the past...not necessarily in the "What if..." way, but just good memories from times spent with family you rarely see, or times spent with friends in school and all that?

Having thoughts about the past is something that keeps me happy at times because the present...it isn't so great for me. I have nothing going for me to be honest. No job. No real friends around here anymore since they've all moved on, have families and such. I'm stuck here with nothing. Even the girl I'm interested in is no longer interested in me. She has a girlfriend now, Kerri. This basically messes up any plans I did have, such as moving to the US to live with her and such. She may still be alright with the idea, but even if she were, I couldn't do it. I wouldn't be able to live in the same house as her knowing I can't have her.

For a guy, I'm a little odd really because I don't find lesbians hot at all. I'm sure for someone else in my situation, they'd jump at the chance to live with lesbians if they could. I, however, cannot do that. Honestly, I don't know why guys find lesbians hot because they aren't interested in you. They're only interested in other girls. Why is the thought of 2 chicks making out and all so hot? Someone explain it to me.

So, thinking about the presents and the future is depressing currently. With things the way they are at the moment, I'd much rather think of the past and happy memories, than the present or future which are both depressing for me at the moment.