Unaware

Lately, I've been finding out just how bad my epilepsy is.

My Dad visited me on the 18th of March to help me decorate my apartment a little. At one point, we were putting a desk together as a pair, but I spaced out on him somewhere during this process. For about 8 minutes, I was apparently staring blankly at him. It seemed I couldn't hear anything he was saying or even see him. I just sat (or stood...I don't know) there, staring at him and rubbing a bag between my thumb and forefinger. I was told about it afterwards, but I do not remember the event. After being told, I thought back to last week at the youth project. A couple of times at the project, I felt like I was going to fall asleep. But after being told about my spacing out, I thought, "Was I falling asleep or spacing out?". I decided to ask Richard about it today.

I was told by Richard that I have been spacing out on him a few times, inside the hotel and outside at the field. He told me he'd be talking to me, and I wouldn't acknowledge him for a few minutes and then would just come around and talk to him. I have no recollection of these events at all. So, it seems that Dad is correct. At appointments and all, I really shouldn't be there alone because I honestly do not remember these times.

Looking through some paperwork today, I located three reports from the ambulance people during 2012. One dated the 18th of January 2012, one dated the 6th of December 2012, and one dated the 29th of December 2012. These appear to be the only reports I've held on to. I do remember having a seizure on the 29th of January 2013, too. All these seizures were grand mal ones, and of the 4, I can only really remember the one on the 29th of January because it left me with a huge cut down my left arm. But since Monday, I've found out that I've had quite a lot of petite mal seizures.

After talking to Richard today, I said that I probably fucked myself over with the medical assessment I had back in November 2012. I don't remember this assessment, but I'm pretty sure it just involved answering a lot of questions. However, I think I answered the questions incorrectly and was told I was "fit for work" or something. I'm now finding out just how UNFIT for work I am.

I can't get a job while in this condition because I'd get fired in no time. For example, say I was working in a store behind the checkout. Since I've been having quite a few petite mal seizures, which seem to involve me staring blankly at people and not hearing them for about 8 minutes, imagine if I'm serving a customer at the checkout. I could space out at any time and be there for 8 minutes doing nothing and end up with quite a queue forming because I'm unaware of anything. I'm pretty sure I'd be fired after a week or two because no one could deal with it.

What I need to do is appeal this decision, which got my DLA denied, and also try to appeal this medical assessment. However, I will take Richard with me this time or try to get Dad to come along. I shouldn't attend the assessment alone because I am unaware of just how badly I'm doing.

Tomorrow, I will try to borrow the hotel's phone to call the DLA people and ask them to reconsider the decision. On Monday, when I have a doctor's appointment, I'm going to take the ambulance reports with me and try to get Richard to come along too so that he can explain these petite mal seizures to the doctor. I will then see if the doctor can get that medical assessment redone. I'll need to take either Dad or Richard to the assessment with me so that they can correct anything I answer incorrectly. I can't answer any questions, honestly, since I have no idea about the full extent of my seizures. If I can't remember them, then how can I answer a question like "How many seizures have you had in the past year?" I can't answer that correctly if I have no idea at all!